“So You Think That You Want to Date My Daughter?”
Wonderful Principles with a Little Touch of Humor
So my daughter has explained to me that you wish to ask her out on a date. Time has flown. It is hard for me to believe that my daughter has grown into the beautiful young woman she has become. Young man, did you know that the Bible says that she is like an olive plant at my table (Psalm 128:3)? The olive plant brought beauty and refreshment. This means that I consider her to be a work of beauty and a tremendous blessing.
Young man, I want to be very clear in what I am going to say to you. I will keep it short and very simple. While I do not want to insult you in any way, the love that I have for my daughter is much stronger than my concern for you and your feelings. It’s probably very wise for us to establish this truth immediately. You are not nearly as important or precious to me as is my daughter. Do you understand this, young man? Great! Now we can get down to the business of talking man-to-man.
First, please remember that I have loved my daughter for many years. I held her in my arms soon after the nurse cleared her airway and wiped her beautiful little face. She was only a few seconds when I held her first in my arms. Her mama carried her near her heart for nine months. Now, you do not have the privilege of holding my daughter in your arms. Furthermore, I expect that you will keep your hands off of her at all times unless she is to be struck by a runaway automobile, and then you may heroically shove her out of harm’s way! Otherwise, do not even think of touching my daughter.
Second, when you arrive at our home to pick my daughter up for her date, I expect you to get out of your car and come to the door. Did you notice that I said to get out of your car? Do not arrive in a van, or you will be turning around and driving home without my daughter! You should plan on arriving early enough for me to meet you and to get to know you. I want to ask you a few pointed questions. If I don’t like your answers, you may need to fill out an application that could take up to two or three years to complete. If you fail to comply with these instructions and choose to sit in your car blowing your horn, my daughter will not be appearing. I will appear, and you probably will not be nearly as happy to see me as you would be to see my daughter.
Third, I know how you think because I too am a man. With that in mind, you may gaze at my daughter so long as you do not look at anything below her chin or above her ankles! A friend of mine once told a young man who wanted to date his daughter that if he could not keep his eyes or hands off from his daughter’s body, he would remove them (meaning his eyes and hands) for him! That young man got the point. I hope you will as well.
Fourth, the popular notion of today is that it is perfectly fine for young unmarried couples to engage in sexuality without hindrance. Please be assured that I am the “hindrance”! You may call me oldfashioned, but I truly believe the Bible. God’s Word declares that marriage is honorable and that sexuality within the framework of marriage is wonderful according to Hebrews 13:4. But young man, you are light years away from even beginning to consider that you want to marry my daughter. Until then, look carefully at me and repeat these words, “Her dad is the hindrance. He will hurt me.”
Fifth, if you do or say something that makes my daughter feel uncomfortable, she has my cell phone number on speed dial. I will be doing nothing all evening long except holding my cell phone in my hand with my finger in place to answer it. If my daughter needs to call me, you better hope that I arrive at the scene before her mama arrives! You do not want her mama to arrive even 10 seconds before I arrive at the scene. This does not mean that I want you to be in terror all evening. Well, that’s not true because I DO want you to be in terror all evening.
Sixth, when I say I want my daughter home no later than 11:15, I do not mean November 15th. I mean 11:15 in the evening. I hope that you will have a very pleasant evening and avoid taking my daughter to any place that you would hesitate to take either my pastor or my daughter’s grandmother along with you. It might also be encouraging to you to remember that my picture is inside my daughter’s wallet which is inside my daughter’s purse which will be strategically placed between my daughter and you all evening long. What a cozy reminder that I will be riding along in between my daughter and you at all times! Doesn’t that just make you feel warm at heart?
Seventh, never ever lie to me under any circumstances. I recently shot nineteen out of twenty targets in skeet shooting. Now please understand. I am not a violent man. I have never threatened anyone. But son, you look a whole lot bigger to me than the little clay pigeon. By the way, do you want to know why I missed the one out of twenty? It was because I was laughing so hard at something. If you lie to me, I won’t be laughing.
Lastly, I am glad that you consider dating my daughter an extreme privilege. If, after reading my seven rules, you still wish to date my daughter, then I would be happy to talk with you about this. I am the way to get to my daughter. Her mama and I brought her into the world. We taught her how to walk. We brought her to Sunday school. We saw her off to Kindergarten. We taught her how to ride a bicycle. We paid for her braces. We love her much more than you can imagine. Should you feel that these rules are unreasonable, remember that they are not up for discussion. You do not have a vote in my little empire. I am the dad. Guess what? Someday, if you are privileged to have a daughter like mine, you will adopt the same rules.
Come to think of it, rather than 11:15, you have her home at 11:00. Understand, young man? Great. Let me shake your hand. You look rather shaken, young man. Are you feeling all right?