“Anniversary, Chemotherapy, and a Heart that Breaks and Sings”

Update on My Karen December 11, 2015

As many of you know today is our wedding anniversary.

I love anniversaries and the special occasions they celebrate. Our anniversary, the birth or adoption of our children, how the Lord brought them to us, what we were doing when very special things happened.  These are the things that cause us to celebrate and remember the anniversaries.

Today is not only our anniversary, but it is another chemotherapy infusion for my Karen. I sat across from my sweetheart and watched the medication dripping from the IV through the line into her port. I’m an emotional man. Today seemed to me to be a little more emotional as I was with my Karen. I guess you would call it “bittersweet.” It is bitter to see someone you love going through such a dreadful disease. It is such a strange feeling knowing that the medication is so strong that several have to sign off that the measurement is correct. On the other hand, it is sweet to still have my Karen with me. A wide range of emotions swept over and through me today as she had next round of chemo.  Here are a few of the random heartaches and songs that came nearly at the same time.

• Several very dear people lamented that Karen had to have chemo on her anniversary. One was the intake receptionist at the cancer center. We’ve really come to love the folks there. Everyone that we have met has genuinely cared about us. When responding to the receptionist’s congratulations but sorrow to be coming to the cancer center, I will never forget what Karen told her. “I am very thankful to still be here to come to the cancer center.” I have thought of that throughout the day and it is makes me think that probably some folks grumble over little things when they should be a whole lot more thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18). My heart sings at Karen’s sweet testimony of appreciation.
• Celebrate every day that the Lord gives you. I took Karen out to dinner last night and we drove around several neighborhoods looking at the lights. As we crept down streets we saw houses that we could never afford the first month’s mortgage! It really brought back to us once again that this world is not our home. Wait until you see what is waiting for the believer someday at the Father’s House (John 14:1-3).  My heart sings at the joy of Heaven and our assurance we are going there.
• As we were driving along I noticed my Karen started to cry. “I wonder if I will be here next year to enjoy this with you Michael. I know I will be in Heaven, but I am concerned about leaving you and my family.” I held her hand and we both cried. My heart broke just a little more. But that’s what happens when you’re in love with someone who has a significant illness. Every fiber of the healthier partner wants the illness to be gone from the partner that is ill. We men want to fix the situation immediately. There are tremendous lessons to be learned as the three of us (Michael, Karen, and the Lord) walk along the journey that only we can take (Deuteronomy 31:6). Is it possible to have your heart break while it also sings at the same time
•  As I sat with her in the infusion center I tried not to stare. As I watched my Karen who quietly occupied her time, I thought of the moments of fellowship with very precious friends who also were at the cancer center this morning. I thought of the spiritual conversations Karen was able to have with several of the folks who work there. I couldn’t help but notice that never has my Karen looked any more beautiful than she does today. I am so thankful that when I asked her for a date in our senior year, she said “yes.” When I asked her if she would go steady with me, she said “yes.” When I asked her if she would marry me that July evening on my parent’s back porch she said “yes.” How different my life would have been if at any of those questions she answered with a “no.” I am thankful for my Karen (Song of Solomon 5:16).

My heart broke again today and it sang with praise and joy to the Lord. Earlier I spoke of the blessing of walking with Karen and the Lord. Another great blessing is to turn to the right and to the left and to see the hundreds and hundreds who are walking with us on this journey of cancer. I just cannot tell you what a great blessing you are. I’m praying that the medicine will smash the mass.