So You Think That You Want to Date My Son?”

A Mama Shares Wonderful Principles with a Little Touch of Humor

Of all things, my son has explained to me that he believes he is ready to ask you out on a date. Wow! Has time ever flown? It is hard for me to believe that my son has grown into the handsome young man he has become. Young lady…(may I refer this way to you?)…young lady, did you know that the Bible says that he is like an olive plant at my table (Psalm 128:3)? The olive plant brought beauty and refreshment. This means that I consider the work the Lord is doing in his life to be a work of beauty and a tremendous blessing. I know that it sounds strange to speak of my son being a work of beauty; however! God has indeed made my life beautiful because of him.

Young lady, I want to be very clear in what I am going to say to you. I will keep it short and very simple. While I do not want to insult you in any way, I believe that it is important for you to know that the love I have for my son is much stronger than my concern for you and your feelings. It’s probably very wise for us to establish this truth immediately. You are not nearly as important or precious to me as is my son. Do you understand this, young lady? Great! Now we can get down to the business of talking lady-to-lady.

First, please remember that I have loved my son for many years. I felt him kick in my womb before I knew my baby was a boy. I held him in my arms soon after the nurse cleared his airway and wiped his beautiful little face. He was only a few seconds old when I held him first in my arms.  As his mama I carried him near my heart for nine months. Now, you do not have the privilege of holding my son in your arms. Furthermore, I expect that you will keep your hands off of him at all times unless you are to be struck by a runaway automobile, and then you may allow yourself to be swept into his arms out of harm’s way! Otherwise, do not even think of touching my son. He also knows that he is not to be touching you. I will expect that if he should forget this, you will politely remind him!

Second, when he arrives at your home for the date, I expect you to allow him time to get out of his car and come to your door. Did you notice that I said to get out of his car?  I promise you that he will not arrive in a van! You should plan on his arriving early enough to come into your home to meet your parents. Your parents should want to ask him a few pointed questions. If they don’t like his answers, he may need to fill out an application that could take up to two or three years to complete. My husband and I will look forward to meeting you as well. If we don’t meet you on the first date, then we surely will meet you on the second. If for some reason we don’t meet you on the second, there won’t be a third date.

Now back to his getting out of the car. If he fails to comply with these instructions and chooses to sit in his car blowing his horn, you should not appear at the door. Your dad should appear, and he probably will not be nearly as happy to see my son as you would be to see him.

Third, I know how you think because I too am a lady. You know that my son is a man. You know that men are visual and frankly can be aroused easily. You may not realize how easily my son might be tempted. Even Godly men will struggle with temptation if you dress immodestly. I should be very happy to think of my son looking at you and seeing skin from your chin up and ankles down. Please do not dress in ways that will distract or be an enticement to him. My son knows what is appropriate. I trust you do as well.

Fourth, the popular notion of today is that it is perfectly fine for young unmarried couples to engage in sexuality without hindrance. Please be assured that I am happy to be one of the “hindrances”! You may call me old fashioned, but I truly believe the Bible. God’s Word declares that marriage is honorable and that sexuality within the framework of marriage is wonderful according to Hebrews 13:4. But young lady, you are lightyears away from even beginning to consider that you want to marry my son. Until then, look carefully at me and repeat these words, “His Mama is one of the hindrances. She will hurt me.”

Fifth, if you do or say something that makes my son feel uncomfortable, he will promptly take you home. If my son does or says something that makes you uncomfortable, ask for his cell phone and call me. He has my cell phone number on speed dial. I will be doing nothing all evening long except holding my cell phone in my hand with my finger in place to answer it. If you need to call me, you better hope that I arrive at the scene before his papa arrives! You do not want his papa to arrive even 10 seconds before I arrive at the scene. This does not mean that I want you and him to be in terror all evening. Well, that’s not true because I DO want you and him to be in terror all evening.

Sixth, when your parents say they want their daughter home no later than 11:15, they do not mean November 15^th. They mean 11:15 in the evening. Please do not try to entice my son to keep you out longer than the curfew. Even if your parents do not give you a time to be home, my time for my son to take you home is 11:15 maximum.

I hope that you will have a very pleasant evening and avoid encouraging my son to take you any place that you would hesitate to take either my pastor or my son’s grandmother along with you. It might also be encouraging to you to remember that my picture is inside my son’s wallet. So think of this, it is just like I am going along with you all evening long. What a cozy reminder that I will be riding along with my son and you at all times! Doesn’t that just make you feel warm at heart?

Seventh, never ever lie to me under any circumstances. I recently shot nineteen out of twenty targets in skeet shooting. Now please understand. I am not a violent lady. I have never threatened anyone. But young lady, you look a whole lot bigger to me than the little clay pigeon. By the way, do you want to know why I missed the one out of twenty? It was because I was laughing so hard at something. If you lie to me, I won’t be laughing.

Last, I am glad that you consider dating my son an extreme privilege. He has been taught to make the plans for the date (taking into consideration your suggestions). He will pay for your date. He will also, during the evening, pray with you and act the part of the spiritual leader to protect you and your reputation. These are the rules of his dating. His papa and I are part of our son’s life. His papa and I brought him into the world. We taught him how to walk. We brought him to Sunday school. We saw him off to Kindergarten. We taught him how to ride a bicycle. We paid for him to have braces. We celebrated the passing of his driver’s test. We watched him get a part-time job. We saw him trust Christ, get baptized and join the church. We are glad that you know the Lord as your Savior as well. We love him much more than you can imagine. Should you feel that these rules are unreasonable, remember that they are not up for discussion. You do not have a vote in my little empire. I am the mom. Guess what? Someday, if you are privileged to have a son like mine, you will adopt the same rules.

Come to think of it, rather than 11:15, he should have you home at 11:00. Understand, young lady? Don’t try to plead with him to stay out longer than your parents’ and our wishes. Don’t make those tears come in order to get your own way. Please understand that we are not girlfriends. I am the Mama. You are his date. Great. Let me give you a hug. You look rather shaken, young lady. Are you feeling all right?